Cook, Create, Do & Love: Dear Preschooler Part 1

Dear Stella,

Wow, where to start?! Ok, some of this may sound like rambling or stream of consciousness, but just stay with me.

Well, baby girl this is an important day. It's one that I thought would feel like forever to actually get here. In some ways it does, but it other ways it seems like just yesterday that I was still rubbing my hands on my belly to feel you kick.

So the plan, at least in my mind, was to have you with me every single day until the day you started preschool. And what I mean is, solely with me-no Mother's Morning Out program, no other type of daycare, just us having fun playing, cooking, coloring, exploring and learning everyday for three years. But then sometime just before your first birthday someone mentioned something to me about a MMO program. She said when she first had kids she would use one day a week to run errands and grocery shop, then the other day was to be at home to straighten up, clean and/or cook. I really liked the idea of this. So I talked to Daddy. He was all for us having time apart. He knew it would be good for both of us. So I researched and put you in a two day a week Mother's Morning Out program at Tillman UMC. Plus, I knew we could still do all of the fun things we wanted to do because you were only away from me for 7 hours a week. You went year round for nearly two years. Your last day was the Friday before Memorial Day.

I was scared for the summer. Scared of how you might act, scared of being apart from Daddy (scared to basically volunteer to single parent part-time and for you being away from him for so long), essentially I was scared I wouldn't be enough for you.

That following Tuesday we went down for our first trip to the beach for the summer. You did so good on the car ride. Crissy and Harper joined us and we were all so excited to start off the summer with friends at our beach house.

But then Wednesday came and it was....bad. Just really bad. The first thing I mentioned above about being scared of came true. To date, it was the worst parenting day of my life. And honestly? I was upset. I was mad. Confused. I was a little heartbroken too. I didn't understand why you were behaving the way you were. We were at the beach-a place you love. One of your best friends was going to be with us for the rest of the week. The weather was perfect. But you kept having tantrum after tantrum. You had five that day. The last one lasted over 45 minutes. I was so mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted by the time you passed out late that night. I didn't know what to do and I was even more scared of what the summer would hold for not only the next week we were without Daddy, but the following three months. See it wasn't even June yet and I had you until the end of August!!

The next day you were a different person-in a good way. You definitely tried to launch yourself into a few tantrums and fits for the rest of the week here and there but I headed them off quickly. That first week down there without Daddy was difficult and exhausting.

Daddy told me that we had really been building this up big in your mind and maybe it was just too much all at once. Then I started thinking about how much of a Daddy's girl you'd become and now you were away from him. I also thought about how even though you've never been on a serious schedule or routine, I'd just taken you away from what you were used to doing for two years and put you somewhere else without Daddy. That must have been difficult.

I'm happy to report the rest of the summer went well. I spent 35 days at the beach house from the end of May until mid August. Most of those days were with you. Some days were better than others, but seriously, you were so good most of the time. And a really good road trip buddy. Turns out, I was enough. I am enough. And you are amazing.

In my wedding vows to Daddy I said something along the lines of, "I want to be a good enough wife so you'll want to make me the mother of your child." I never had big career aspirations. In college, I was so upset to not be able to pursue dental hygiene as a career. A dental hygienist was the very first thing I ever wanted to be. Naturally, that changed throughout the years, but I came back to it in high school. But I was able to go a different route, finish school and move to Atlanta to be with Daddy. That was something we'd wanted for a while. But truthfully, being a stay-at-home mom was all that I ever wanted to have as a "career." And if I'd been able to go to dental hygiene school, I'd hopefully love my job and be making pretty decent money. That would have made the decision to leave work to be a stay-at-home mom difficult. When I got pregnant with you, there wasn't the question of "Will I stay home after I have you?" It was "When will I quit to be home before you arrive?" I didn't want to work up until the minute I went into labor. I wanted to have a few weeks to finish preparing and to relax, de-stress and just be pregnant and not worry about much other than you in my belly.

They say everything happens for a reason. I believe this is so true, it just took about a decade to see it work out.

You are what I wanted my whole life. You-an amazing, smart, playful, funny, gorgeous, kind girl.

I am so thankful for our time together this summer. I loved not really having a schedule, staying up late with you and sleeping in until 9:00 some, ok most days. I love that you've become really great at coloring, drawing pictures of me, you, Daddy and Bandit and even more willing to help me, especially if it involves preparing a meal. And for the gift of being able to spend so much individual time with you not only at the beach but the past three years.

You are so special to me and Daddy. I'm not going to lie and say what most parents say. The "I can't imagine my life without my child" line. I can. I've done it a few times. Ha. I probably did it several times that first week at the beach. My life without you is fun and exciting. It involves travel and food (of course). But my life with you is all of those things too. Plus, more because you are in it. You drive me crazy some days. But you also give me endless joy. Daddy and I love you so, so much. We can't even put into words how much.

I hope this is a wonderful year for you. I want you to enjoy school and make lots of friends and tell me all about it. I think one of the things I'm most excited about is hearing about your day and what you learned. No matter what happens, you are my greatest accomplishment.

Love,

(a teary-eyed) Mommy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night you helped me prepare your lunch. We skewered chicken, yellow tomatoes (from the garden) and fresh mozzarella cheese onto toothpicks. Then you put baby carrots (that you picked out from the store) into a silicone muffin cup. We poured dressing into a cup and I sent you with a spoon and a smoothie we'd made a few days before but frozen.

You woke up on your own just after 7:30 in your new cat-like position: upside down at the foot of our bed. I said, "Good morning, preschooler." You said, "I want you to lay with me." We snuggled upside down for a few minutes, then I read "Pig, Horse or Cow-Don't Wake Me Now!" You liked that. Then you helped me make oatmeal with berries. Daddy helped get you dressed, then I fixed your hair.

You rode to school with Daddy and y'all chased me. I was almost overcome with emotion pulling through the parking lot, but I held it together. You held both of our hands as we walked through the parking lot and into the school. You went potty then found your classroom, then found the hook with your frog and name above it and hung your bag up. You gave me a hug, then Daddy, then you leaned over to grab my neck and bring me closer to you and Daddy for our "squishy face" group hug. Then you asked if we were staying for a bit. We answered "No" and you walked in. You never looked back. I said "Bye!" but you didn't turn around. I'm so proud of you. And I'm so in love with you. Have a great day baby. I know, I know, you're not a baby anymore. You're a big girl. But I can still say it.

Now for pictures: